Humans love a pattern and using those patterns to justify their treatment of others. Dating apps are no different. For this week’s piece, I thought I’d have some fun breaking down a handful of phrases that I’ve run into as a regular trenchgoer a.k.a user of dating apps.

Gay dating spaces can be a bit more overt with this. Think “no fats, no fems, no Asians” and phrases of that sort. In those spaces, people can hide behind calling everything a preference to justify excluding people solely on the basis of race. Heterosexual dating is more subtle about this, but equally squeamish when confronted with this “preference”. Coincidentally, this is eerily similar to how Merriam-Webster defines racists, but surely that’s unrelated.

In typical internet discourse fashion, I’ll need to establish some caveats. First, these are anecdotal observations. I’ll cite some sources, but if you, specifically, haven’t seen whatever I’m talking about, that doesn’t magically invalidate the point I’m trying to make. Secondly, this is just a silly little list. If you, dear reader, want to date a white person, by all means!

Anyhoo, on to the list!

These lovable, blonde pooches are often described as energetic, friendly, ditsy, and generally just happy to be there. They’re like the himbos of dogs. Himbo is also very white-coded, but that’s another essay.

When I think of groups of people allowed to be big, dumb, and loveable, I think of white men. While this is absolutely Kronk erasure, the examples to the trend abound. There’s also the fact that every culture essay I could find on this topic mentioned white men as their examples.

This list from a Vox article lists them next to Taylor Switft, a person some experts (me) would call as white-coded as you can get.

This one doubles as being white-coded and classist. Minimal shade though; if you want a rich man, get a bag, babygirl. Anyhoo, a 2022 study between Cutwater­ (yep, that Cutwater), the National Marine Manufacturers Association (NMMA) and the Marine Retailers Association of the Americas (MRAA) found that boat owners are more likely to be “high-income and high net-worth” and “much more likely to be Caucasian” compared to the average American.

There’s a running joke that liberalism is cool and all, but not enough people with those beliefs have yachts. Another layered reference to race and class. Once we solve the racial wealth gap and the home ownership gap and the glass ceiling, the boat gap is next on the list, trust. Then POC will be drowning in potential partners. Good thing we’ll have a boat handy.

This one is probably the least subtle. In the States, ~92% of Jewish men identify as white, according to a Pew 2020 survey. With the exception of Drake, few non-white and even fewer non-multiracial + white people come to mind when thinking of Jewish men.

There’s nothing wrong with this one on its face, I suppose. That said, I do struggle to think of a similar phrase. Do Muslims say a “nice, Muslim man”? That sounds clunky, but at least its implication is a little more diverse. I did think it was interesting how few of the videos and articles I read about NJB acknowledged this presumed white part, if at all.

The added layer on NJB is how the phrase implies someone the user’s mother will like. That same Pew study notes that most American Jews live in households with people of the same race as them. Do with that what you will.

Referencing The Office in a dating app bio should auto-flag your account like Grindr does for people who say “no Zionists”. It’s lazy, played out, and honestly, the show is not good enough to merit this kind of blanket endorsement.

The above romance is the show’s central romantic subplot over its 9 seasons. It’s fine? Aspiring for that seems like a low bar, but for many, it’s the first sitcom romance they can think of. It also just happens to feature two unambiguously white characters.

I didn’t want to rewatch the show to make this point, but I don’t recall Jim being particularly thoughtful or romantic. He had a lot of screen time, was tall, and brought a certain snark to his scenes. That’s not much to go off in a romantic heartthrob.

The only thing I can remember about Pam is that Chili’s meme. So maybe they are meant for each other; perfectly forgettable and milquetoast.

If it was this or Leonard and Penny, I guess. Let us all aim higher than middling TV couples when describing couple goals.

I’ve personally never seen this one, but it would track with research on the suburbs as traditionally white and higher-income than cities. Aspiring for car-dependent suburbs isn’t my thing, but I’m not here to kink shame.

Much like the boat example, this request references something or some place very white while sounding innocuous on its face. Berkshire county in Massachusetts is 86 percent white, according to census figures. Suffolk county in New York—which includes the Hamptons—is about 67 percent white. A little harder to get demographics for the Hamptons, specifically, due to it being a region rather than a single city or county.

This is another white + has money combo. Moving right along.

My main takeaway is that these lines are pretty boring. I’m all for unhinged dating criteria, but they should be able to hold up to scrutiny. I also think “be white and have money” is a lazy list.

Give me specifics and list them with your whole chest. Do you want someone like Michael Cera to protect from waiters who brought out the wrong food? Do you want a man who walked onto a collegiate sports team? What about someone that doesn’t listen to Joe Rogan?

Let us all aim higher and take some time to think about our “preferences”. What’re people really saying that they want in a partner? I think that’s worth unpacking.