I don’t consider myself a particularly angry person, but I think I have plenty to upset about. More generally speaking, I think most people, especially people of color, women, and others with intersectional struggles. What I don’t understand is people’s default reaction to justified anger.
In my experience, if you tell someone you’re upset, the first thing they’ll tell you is that it’s okay or that you shouldn’t be upset. I think seeing why someone is upset is a much better place to start. Before I left the situation with my family in North Carolina, I realized if I ever went to my family visibly upset or even in tears, there was zero chance of them hearing out what I was saying. I don’t know if it’s toxic masculinity or what, but there seems to be this assumption that if I’m emotional, then I can’t be thinking clearly enough to know what I’m talking about. That logic feels so counterproductive.
Expecting people to be level-headed all the time is nonsense, especially with how frustrating some situations can get.
Growing up I tried to explain issues I had with people in this way; as dry and simply as possible to avoid them thinking my emotions were keeping me from being logical. I think assuming emotions are the opposite of reason is, at best, dumb, and, at worst, dangerous. This assumption that anger is literally always the wrong response feels like it was based off unproven information.
Sometimes anger is a justified response to being hurt or circumstances changing for the worse. People seem way too comfortable immediately telling others their anger is wrong instead of figuring out what happened to lead to it. I wonder if that’s why so many people don’t know how to process their anger when it gets to a boiling point because they haven’t been able to work through it as it comes up. People constantly expecting them to shove it down is probably a big part of that, now that I think about it.
Maybe it’s a fear thing, at least when it comes to women responding to male anger. The main men in my life (my Dad, brother-in-law, etc…) seem to respond to being upset by raising their voices or other aggressive means. This, understandably, can scare or threaten people into responding how they want them to. But getting a result from that behavior never shows them there’s another way to go about things.
Now, I’m not advocating for yelling whenever you’re upset and expecting others to hear you out with a smile on their face. People have a right to get defensive when they’re backed into a corner, but I wonder if that defense should be directed at the source of the anger than the expression of it? That’s much easier said than done, but I want to try thinking about the cause rather than the reaction more in my day-to-day life.